The book, "Look at My Ugly Face" by Sara Halprin, continues to inspire me to write about my experience with beauty. I was reading this chapter about scars - the visible kind. There were these women who were ashamed of their scars and felt it effected their physical appearance in a negative way. For example, one woman sought alternative treatment for her thyroid cancer so that she could avoid the scar, on her throat, because she was already self conscious about another scar on her body. She didn't want another scar. I can't believe that the pressure in society to look a certain way would push a cancer patient to take seemingly foolish measures. Thyroid cancer is curable with the removal of one's thyroid! True, the person is allegedly fine now.

I don't mind my thyroid surgery scar - or any of them for that matter - I have a faint mark on my thigh where I spilled hot coffee, and one on my stomach where I had to have a birth mark removed. When I had the birthmark removed, I was totally fascinated with them cutting my skin off and stitching it up. I had to refrain from constantly touching the stitches because it was the first time I had ever had to have stitches. I was slightly less fascinated with the incision on my throat (no stitches but skin glue) as it hurt more and made movement difficult. I was once told that my thyroid scar is a 'wicked scar' by someone who had a fetish for scars. I've never felt a great attachment to my alleged attractiveness, so maybe I've been lucky in that sense. I've always doubted people's opinion on how I look, I may be my own worst enemy but when I was diagnosed with cancer I thought I'd lose my hair and my first thought was, 'it'll grow back, right? and hey, I can finally have that shaved head look that I've always threatened to have on bad hair days!' I idea of having a scar on me for life was the furthest thing from my mind.

My scar is a lucky scar. If I weren't so mortified by the goiter that having hypothyroidism caused, I probably wouldn't had that first surgery to remove the enlarged part of my thyroid. They wouldn't have found my cancer early. I hated the goiter, while my Mother claimed no one could really notice it. I knew it was there! I was always afraid someone would notice it and think it was an Adam's apple. I had to suffer with it for years because removing it was considered 'cosmetic' and my health insurance wouldn't cover its removal. I would hide it as much as I could with big necklaces, turtlenecks, and scarves. After about five years of having that horrible thing sticking out of my neck, it grew more! Since I was (and still am) on medication for hypothyroidism which was supposed to prevent it from getting bigger, the doctor was able to justify surgery to the health insurance company.

Now I'll go weeks without jewelry. I'm not totally self conscious on occasions where my neck couldn't be hidden, like at the beach, yoga class, or having sex. Most people don't even notice the scar which has faded to a faint line on my neck.